“There are no grown-ups. We suspect this when we are younger, but can confirm it only once we are the ones writing books and attending parent-teacher conferences. Everyone is winging it, some just do it more confidently.”
Occasionally I am taken aback when I think deeply about the fact that I have a child. I have a real-live-human-child-baby who is mine, who depends on me, who I keep alive. I don’t feel old enough to have that responsibility, yet I have it and I do a pretty darn good job if it, I think. I read this blog post a woman wrote about what you “learn in your 40s” and although I have a number of years before I live through my 40s, that quote resonated with me.
All these “adult” responsibilities I have, I do, but half the time I have no idea how. I’m just winging it day in and day out. I think we all are, aren’t we? Who really knows what the hell they are doing when they have their first baby (or their second or their third!)? When I was pregnant with Finley, I would have mini panic attacks wondering how I would know how much to feed her when she was a newborn but then she came and I did it, and she grew like tiny babies do. When she was six months old, I didn’t know if I should give her baby food or how much or even what kind, but the time came and I did it again. And shoes. Does a baby under 12 months really need shoes!? My head always told me I “should” put shoes on her, but the mommy in me said “eff that, she doesn’t need shoes!” So, despite the grief from others, I never put shoes on her (rarely socks, even!). And guess what, she can run with those tiny little feet just like all the other kids her age! Small uncertainties happen at every stage of their lives, of our lives, and each time, as parents, we figure it out — albeit, winging it.
I suspect that when she’s in kindergarten, a sophomore in high school, or a mommy bringing home her newborn baby, I will still have those moments when I am taken aback by the fact that I am a grown-up… but I will hold my head high and confidently do what I need to do as a mom, all the while, feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing at all.